I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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