I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize