Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
3 2 1 whiskey
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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