Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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