woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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