I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
