Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
