I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
