apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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