Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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