Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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