Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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