Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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