my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
