Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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