He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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