i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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