I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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