i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
