i used baking grease as lip gloss
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
