Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
