she woke up with a sticky ear
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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