Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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