The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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