i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize