you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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