in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
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