I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
