$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
