I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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