I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
