Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
