I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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