Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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