i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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