Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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