you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
