You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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