I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Life is so much better after having sex.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
