my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize