you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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