Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
