my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
