I'm sorry my penis didn't work
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
