Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
