I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
