dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Randomize
