too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
