finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
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