found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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