I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
