Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize