I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
