It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
