i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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