a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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