apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
