Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
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