all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
