You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
