i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
