I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
