The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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