Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
