Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
