And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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