Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
