I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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