Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
