a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
