Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
