i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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