I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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