I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
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