Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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