Sry I called you an 8
Don't make out with my wife yet
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
