and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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