when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
