Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
